𝓒𝓪𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓹𝓮𝓲𝓪🍁

And now I'm finally home, feeling so so tired.🫠

Today was so random :)

And now my stomach hurts.😖

It hurts me so bad :(

I hate that I never learned how to express my feelings properly. Sometimes I wish I had learned earlier, before all these unspoken words and unshared feelings turned into regrets I carry around with me.

The truth is, I love people deeply. I care about them more than I know how to explain, but somehow, when it comes to showing it, I become the shyest version of myself. The words get stuck in my throat, my actions become hesitant, and all the affection I carry inside me feels trapped in a place nobody can reach.

Why is it so difficult for me to say I love you to someone I genuinely love? Why can't I hug them a little tighter, hold on for a few seconds longer, or simply let them know how much they mean to me without overthinking every little thing? It's not that I don't want to. I want to so badly. I just don't know how to get past that strange shyness that stops me from doing the simplest things.

Sometimes I wonder if the people I love understand me at all. Do they know how much I care, even when I don't say it? Do they notice the little things I remember, the way I worry about them, or how I try to help whenever I can? Or do they mistake my silence for indifference, thinking that because I rarely express my feelings, I must not feel them as deeply?

Maybe I've spent so much time keeping everything inside that I've forgotten how to let it out. Maybe being vulnerable scares me more than I want to admit. There's something frightening about letting someone see just how much they mean to you, as if saying it out loud makes your heart a little more exposed than it was before.

And yet, what scares me even more is the thought of looking back one day and realizing how many opportunities I let pass simply because I was too shy. How many hugs I could have given but didn't. How many times I wanted to say something meaningful but swallowed the words instead. How many moments I could have made warmer if only I'd allowed myself to show a little more affection.

I don't want to reach a point where all I have left are memories of the people I love and a thousand things I wish I'd done differently. I don't want to find myself longing for one more hug, one more conversation, or one more chance to say I love you to someone who can no longer hear me.

Perhaps the saddest part is that love doesn't always wait for us to become brave enough to express it. Time keeps moving, moments pass quietly, and sometimes we don't realize how precious an ordinary moment was until it becomes something we can never return to.

I know that I show love in my own ways. I remember little details, I worry, I help, and I pay attention to things that might seem insignificant to everyone else. But sometimes, I wish I could do more than love people silently. I wish I could make them feel it, not just hope that they somehow understand.

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't hesitate before hugging someone she loves. The kind who can say I missed you without feeling embarrassed, who can hold someone's hand or lean in for a hug without wondering whether she's being too affectionate. I want to stop treating tenderness as something I have to gather all my courage to give.

Maybe I keep waiting for the right moment, for the shyness to disappear, or for expressing my feelings to become as natural as feeling them. But what if that moment never comes? What if courage isn't something I find before taking the first step, but something I learn by taking it while I'm still afraid?

To the people I love, I wish you knew how much affection I carry for you, even when I struggle to show it. I wish you could understand that behind my awkwardness is a heart that cares more than my words could ever explain. But I also know that I can't expect you to read every silence or understand every feeling I leave unspoken. You deserve to hear the words, too. You deserve the hugs I keep holding back.

And to myself, I want to be a little more forgiving. I'm not heartless, and I'm not incapable of expressing love. I'm simply someone who hasn't yet learned how to let all that tenderness find its way outside. I don't have to change who I am overnight, but I can start with the smallest things: saying the words when I mean them, holding on a little longer, and allowing myself to be seen, even when it feels uncomfortable.

I don't want fear to keep deciding how much love I'm allowed to show. I don't want my affection to remain a secret that only I know about.

I have so much love to give. I just hope I learn how to give it while the people I love are still here to receive it.